


The Deal Breaker

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 15:41:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8062120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: Rhys nodded, "one month," he kept his voice low, "one month of training, of learning this life. And if you still cannot bear it, I will try to make you human again."
"That's all I ask."
If Rhysand couldn't make me human again, then I began praying to the gods he would kill me.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This become really long.  
> I planned on a short little story with this idea and this monster came to be.  
> I hope you like it. One of my favorite pieces.

Rhysand released a heavy sigh, "I'll honor your deal. I will attempt to make you human again," he paused and looked at his family. His eyes stopping on my sister, his mate, "but I cannot promise you it will work."

"If I die it'll be better than spending an eternity in this foreign body," I held my head high as I looked into his eyes. I felt a pull, deep down in my soul. It was the thing that scared me most, the pull that came whenever he was around.

Rhys nodded, "one month," he kept his voice low, "one month of training, of learning this life. And if you still cannot bear it, I will try to make you human again."

"That's all I ask."

I turned on my heels and headed into the house. I heard Feyre call after me, Elain was sobbing into Lucien’s arms. But I didn't stop. They didn't understand just why I needed out of here. Why I needed to hold onto my fire and find a way to be mortal again. I couldn't fathom living to be eighty let alone living forever. Not when I had so much weight to bare. Not when I didn't deserve to be here.

If Rhysand couldn't make me human again, then I began praying to the gods he would kill me.

\---

The pounding on my bedroom door woke me. I groaned, the sky was still dark, sleep still begged me to stay. But I felt that tug in my stomach, the reason I had stayed quiet for so long, that stirring of my soul. I got up slowly, wrapping my blanket around me.

I pulled open the heavy door and Cassian stood there. With that cocky grin on his face. He wiggles his eyebrows at my glare, "what do you want?”

He laughed, "good morning to you too Nesta," he leaned his broad shoulders against the doorframe, "day one of training. Guess who gets to kick your ass this morning."

I groaned, "Cassian I want to sleep."

"No can do, you made a deal with the high lord. I'm here to honor it," he handed me a set of leathers, "put these on and be ready in ten."

He left without another word.

I slammed the door shut, rattling the decorations on the wall. If he wanted to train me, then he would get every spark, every ember I had hidden deep inside my soul. Cassian would see how badly I wanted out of this life, because I was hell bent on being the perfect student. 

Rhysand would have no reason not to hold up his end of the deal. Because I would play the part perfectly.

Another knock sounded just as I finished putting on my leathers. It was light and I knew it was Elain on the other side of the door. I glanced at the time, I had three minutes to make it to the training room. Still I wanted to talk to my sister. I wanted her to understand my decision.

I knew I owed both my sisters and explanation.

Feyre and Elain were the lucky ones. They had found their mates, they felt like they belonged in this world. They embraced their new bodies, their new lives. They didn't see a monster when they looked into the mirror. They didn’t hide their pointed ears behind their hair. 

But me, I was still on the outside looking in. I had no clue how to find that in myself.

"Nesta." She had been crying. I saw it in her red puffy eyes as she looked at me. My sister couldn’t hide things from me. I knew her better than most. Because I loved her more than anyone else, "good you didn't leave yet. I need to speak with you."

I stepped aside as my sister pushed her way into the room. She sat down on my bed, her bottom lip between her teeth. Her telltale worrying sign. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying not to pull at the roots as I waited for her to speak. I stayed silent, watching her stare at me.

"You can't go back," she finally whispered after what felt like hours of silence, "Nesta please. If you become human again, we won't be sisters anymore."

More tears filled Elain's eyes. I knelt down to her level, at the foot of the bed. I took her hands in mine and smiled, "we will always be sisters E. You are my baby sister, the one I'm sworn to protect and love. But you have to understand. I can't do this. I can't be this, this, thing. This monster. I can't accept this body the way you and Feyre have."

"Why not? What are you so afraid of Nesta?" She squeezed my hands hard as she fought for control. The tears made her eyes sparkle, I knew this would be the hardest part. Elain would be the deal breaker.

I swallowed air slowly, tasting her sorrow, "because I can't be like them. Like him, that king that threw us into that cauldron."

Elain pulled her hand out of mine and brought it slowly up to my cheek. Her finger tips were like soft kisses against my skin, "you will never be like him," she whispered, "your fire burns for a different reason. It is not angry and vengeful. It is passion and love."

I shook my head, "you can't talk me out of my decision E."

"We get a second chance to live Nesta. A second chance to see this world and a million others reborn. You should be grateful," Elain had clearly rehearsed this speech.

I couldn't help but laugh, "grateful? I should be grateful to an evil king who threw me into black magic water? Grateful that my little sister died and came back to life because of some selfish fae who couldn't let her go? What about father, Elain? What about our friends? I don't think they're grateful someone took us away."

Elain was quiet. I knew mentioning father would be a sore spot with her. She had always been daddy's little girl. The perfect one who would marry and help the family name. Elain was beautiful and soft spirited. She was the one our father cherished most.

And now she was stuck here with a mate who lost an eye to his family. A mate who looked at her like she held the world in her eyes. I felt another tug in my soul. I looked away from my sister as I fought whatever it was that nagged at me.

"But Rhys said he could possibly kill you!" Her voice broke and I knew this was the source of her sadness, her desperation. 

"I would rather be dead than have to face eternity in this body. I cannot live as one of them," I stood up slowly and held her gaze, "you are my sister, my best friend. I accepted your decision, to live as Feyre and to choose your mate. Now you have to accept mine."

Her shoulders squared and then she stood up. Elain was smaller than both Feyre and I, but she seemed a lot taller to me in that moment. Her face was inches away, anger filled those beautiful blue eyes. I had never seen her so angry. Her hands clenched into fists as she glared at me.

"Fine if you wish to be dead then that's it. You're already dead to me Nesta. I hope your decision makes you happy," her voice broke once more before she ran out of the room.

Anger, hot and steady, ran down my spin. It boiled my blood. But it wasn't anger towards my sister, no I was angry at myself. I had hurt her, more than I ever knew was possible. My last month with her and I pushed her to the farthest corner away from me. A tear slipped down my cheek. The fire in my soul flickered.

I left my room looking for a fight.

"You're late," Cassian’s deep voice bellowed from the other side of the training area. He was giving me that smirk, the one he thought made all the girls weak in the knees. My stomach pulled, my anger sparked. 

I didn't offer him a reason, I didn’t need an excuse. I glared in his direction ready to work off the conversation I had just endured with my little sister. I was ready to punish myself, to let him beat me within inches of blacking out if I had to. I needed to feel something, anything other than anger and hatred in this moment. 

Cassian watched as I grabbed leather gloves and slipped them on, “don't worry, I'll make this count."

\---

Training with Cassian was brutal. I had bruises on my entire body after the first day. There was more blood on the floor and my leathers than was in my body I was sure of it. By the second week I had learned to use my strength against him but not for long. He got a thrill out of hurting me. He smiled whenever I groaned or complained about doing a move for a second time. He was clearly a commander, he didn't ask, he demanded everything.

He was a brute. 

"Can I ask you something?" He gave me a few minutes to catch my breath and drink some water. I was laying on the mat gasping for air. Cassian hung his head over me, blocking my view of the high ceiling.

"Even if I say no I know you'll ask anyways," I winced as I sat up. I had a painful bruise on my hip bone. He had pushed me into the wall and pushed his knee into my backside. I think he enjoyed pinning me against the wall. Because it’s where we ended up at the end of every training session.

There was a fine line between passion and hate. Most days I knew where that line was. But every day I spent in here with Cassian, every day he pushed me harder and harder, that line got blurrier. And that same spark inside my soul, it tugged at my stomach. It begged me to touch him, to stop fighting and ask him why he cared so much. 

But I ignored it like I always did. Because giving into whatever it was whispering in my ear would be defeat. It would mean breaking my deal with Rhysand and being stuck in this body forever. I couldn’t become one of them, I wouldn’t let myself want to be like them.

Cassian gave me that sly grin once more as he sat down beside me. He tucked his wings in, but I saw them shutter. A sudden urge ran through me. I wanted to run my fingers over those wings. I wanted to watch him come undone as I gently rubbed his finally healed body.

It had taken him nearly a full week after Hybern shredded his wings for him to heal. They ground up herbs and he yelled out in pain as the magic wove the membranes back together. Still something about the way he held himself, as if that injury was nothing but a distant memory that intrigued me. How could he pretend like he was perfectly okay with what happened to him?

How could he pretend like he didn’t reach for me while he lay in a pool of his own blood?

I still had nightmares about that day. I dreamt of Cassian dying, Elain drowning. I woke up screaming and gasping for air. Did the memories still haunt Cassian? Was he still sorting through the pain that day had brought to all of us, or was he really moving on from it faster than I ever could?

"Why do you want to be human again? I mean, I met you and you were one fierce woman.  But you're still that same Nesta. You just have more strength and immortality to back up that fire."

I looked at him, there was no taunting in his eyes. He was truly curious. He was really asking me why I wanted to forgo a life many people would kill for. Many people had killed for the gift of living forever. Elain and I had been granted this gift, if that’s what you wanted to call it. And I was trading it in for a life I had hated even more than I was ready to admit.

I bit my lip, looking away from him, "I don't belong here. I don't, I'm not fae. I don't deserve a second chance, to be some sort of savior. I failed both my sisters, hell I failed my father. I am a monster in human form. Imagine what will happen if I live long enough to become a monster in fae form."

Cassian raised an eyebrow, "you were never a monster Nesta. Just a girl trying to survive," he whispered softly, "a broken girl looking for a way to put herself back together."

His voice was soft. I didn't want to believe him. I didn't deserve any words like that, "you didn't know me. I was horrible, especially to Feyre. The only person I've ever let myself love is Elain. And she has Lucien. He's good for her. Feyre has Rhysand. My sisters won't miss me. No one will miss me when I'm gone."

Cassian moved in closer and I realized there were tears in my eyes as I looked up at him. His face was blurry, but he shook his head slightly, "you're wrong. Feyre fights with Rhys everyday. She tells him he isn't allowed to try, to pretend and when it doesn't work tell you to move on. And Elain. She cries to Lucien, asking him what to do to change your mind," he laughed, "she even asked if there was a way to force a bond on people. As if giving you a mate would make you stay."

My eyes snapped up to his, "I don't need anyone else. I don't need a mate," I swallowed my tears and pushed off the ground, "and I don't need to talk to you about this. You are my trainer, not anything else. Especially not my friend. So either hit me or call it a day."

Cassian stood up. He didn't move to start sparring. Instead he stared at me, his dark hair hanging in his eyes. I watched his hand curl into a fist slowly and then uncurl as he tried not to let himself reach for me. I could see his hand shaking, I could feel the need to touch him as well.

It was like we were both wanting something we were too afraid to want.

Cassian kept staring at me, those brown eyes full of a life I never wanted to know, a life I never wanted to live, "what are you so afraid of Nesta?"

I shook my head, the truth finally tumbling out before I could stop it, "everything."

\---

Two weeks passed before Feyre finally asked to speak with me. The high lady said she was busy, but she called for me during lunch and begged me to sit with her. So I came, like the perfect little court member. Mor was there, but Elain was gone. She went to spend time in the spring court. Feyre claimed it was to be closer to Lucien.

I knew the truth. My little sister was avoiding me. She told me I was dead to her. So this was her way of proving a point. She would freeze me out for as long as she could stand before I made good on Rhys's deal.

I couldn't think about leaving this world, this place without saying goodbye to Elain. Without promising her one last time that everything would be okay.

"Nesta," Feyre smiled as I sat down across from Mor on the right side of her, “I know we haven’t seen each other in a while. I’m sorry I’ve been busier than I thought I would be.”

I nodded, “it’s fine. You and Rhys are always busy,” I smiled, pretending, acting as if nothing was different between us. But I knew everyone else was counting down the days. They were all waiting, hoping I would somehow change my mind. I could see it in their eyes, I could feel it in their words. They thought I wouldn't go through with it.

“So how is training with Cassian? He can be brutal, I know I watched him that camps when we were younger,” Mor smiled at me over her fork before taking a bite of her food.

I smiled back at her, wondering if she thought we were friends. I didn’t allow myself friends, I didn’t have friends at home either. I couldn’t afford to care for anyone other than Elain, because everyone else would leave. We were sisters, we would always be connected. 

Except. 

Except if I were to leave, to become human once more. Would we still be allowed to visit? Would she even want to ask me about my mundane life?

I shook my head, “he’s brutal, but I asked him to be. I don’t want him babying me because I’m new and don’t know what I’m doing. I want him to use his full strength, I have the bruises to show for it. But it’s nice, it’s sort of cathartic, taking my anger out on someone who heals almost instantly.”

Mor nodded slowly, “I know what you mean. When you’ve been angry for so long it’s nice to finally have an outlet. To focus on something else. I’m glad it’s helping you.”

I looked at the queen and saw her differently, “how is Azriel? I haven’t seen him lately, I know you two finally mated.”

I had heard the stories of how long it had taken them to finally find each other. I had seen the way the shadow singer watched Mor with guarded eyes. But I could see the love and admiration, the fear that kept him from telling her how he felt. It was everything I kept hidden deep inside, written across his face whenever she was near.

Mor smiled, it lit her up from within, “He’s good. He’s been busying spying for Rhys, but I’m just so happy. I mean, I always knew the mating bond was intense, but you don’t understand until it happens. It pulls at your soul at all hours of the day, begging you to find your mate and just be. Just be one with them. Whether it’s sitting in the same room together, or something. I just, never felt so strongly about anyone.”

“Doesn’t that scare you?” I asked thinking of the tug I always felt in my soul. The tug that had no end to it. The thread wasn’t connected to anyone else, which is why I ignored it in the first place.

She shook her head as she glanced at Feyre, “no it doesn’t. For the first time I’m not terrified of anything. Because Azriel chose me, his entire body and soul chose mine to spend his life with. There’s nothing terrifying about this at all.”

“I remember the bond with Rhys. It scared me, because I thought I was still in love with Tamlin. But once I realized it, once he told me everything, I knew without a doubt I loved him as he loved me. Because he was there, he was mine. No one else would do the things he had done for me. No one cared enough to try. You’ll know when it’s real Nesta. I hope and pray you feel that bond one day.”

I looked at her surprised. We both knew I wouldn’t live long enough to feel a mating bond. I wouldn’t be in this body long enough for someone to care to look at me the way both Azriel and Rhysand looked at their mates. I didn’t deserve it either, not after everything we had been through. I didn’t deserve the human level of love, let alone this higher level, one everyone else had seemed to find.

The three of us were quiet as we ate our food. Conversation lulled as the garden sparkled around us. I found myself falling more in love with Velaris than I wanted to, especially once Feyre was back. The night was beautiful, the stars sparkling at all hours. But the daytime was just as beautiful, the mountains were the perfect background to this world.

Feyre sighed, “Elain told me the spring court is planning their annual autumn festival. She convinced Tamlin to invite us,” I raised my eyebrows surprised Elain could do such a thing, “you know E. Always the charmer. Anyways, she wants everyone to come.”

“Even me?” I asked surprised.

“Even you,” Feyre said smiling at me, “well. It is in three weeks time.”

I knew what she was getting at without saying it. I looked away, biting my cheek as Mor stayed quiet. I wouldn’t have this fight here with my sister in the middle of the garden. I wouldn’t let her bait me, like she was doing. I wasn’t going to change my mind. I wouldn’t stay here any longer than I had to do. 

This was my choice, I had no others in this lifetime. I didn’t choose to lose our money, I didn’t choose that gods damned cabin. And I sure as hell didn’t choose to be thrown into that cauldron. 

My first choice had been to end this suffering. To be human once more and find a way to live without the guilt that plagued me at all hours of the day. The guilt that told me I failed my sisters, that I didn’t deserve a second chance to live with them. Not when they were so happy with their mates.

“Don’t do this Feyre,” I whispered softly as Mor kept eating. Her eyes shot between me and my sister, waiting for the explosion. They all knew I was the one with the temper. Feyre had gotten good at controlling hers ever since she met Rhys.

She shrugged, “if you ask me, you’re being the selfish one in this situation Nesta. You only want what’s best for you. Or what you think is best for you. You don’t even consider what will happen to anyone else, not me or Elain, if you go back to the human world. Or if you don’t make it at all. You don’t consider this family, you don’t consider this court as yours. But they consider you as theirs. And they will be devastated to lose you too.”

That thread tugged inside my chest. I looked at my sister and I saw my mother. I saw someone older and wiser, someone who knew everything I didn’t. But I wouldn’t let her know she had won, I wouldn’t let her know she had gotten through to me. Even as the thread kept tugging, as if someone was trying to get through to me, I pushed down the tears. I shook my head.

“I accept you and the choices you’ve made. Please consider accepting mine.”

Feyre laughed, “you want me to consider letting you kill yourself you mean. My mate might be talented in many areas, but he cannot make you human once more. What has been done cannot be undone Nesta. Please don’t make him kill you. Please don’t force my mate to choose between me and you. It’s not fair to him. Or to you.”

There were tears in her eyes even as she laughed. I could see how much she hurt, how this decision was killing her. But she never thought about us when she went off to the fae world after she killed that wolf. She never stopped to consider how we would miss her, how better off we were with her in that tiny little cabin. She had provided for us, and then left when that monster came calling.

I shook my head. I opened my mouth to say something but Mor cut in. Her voice was beautiful, just like her face, “you know I’ve never seen two sisters as alike as you two. You’re both full of fire and ice, so insistent on taking care of those around you. I think maybe you should both leave this topic alone. Maybe take a second and consider both sides. Feyre think of it as Nesta does, and Nesta think of it as your sister does.”

  
I huffed, “easy for you to say. My sister has been happier as a fae. I’ve never seen her as happy as I did the moment she came asking for help when we were still human. She loves you all, she considers you family. She never considered us family. She considered us a burden. You were her salvation.”

“That’s not true!” Feyre’s voice rose. I watched her try to calm herself down, no doubt her bond hissing with Rhysand making sure she was okay, “I never considered any of you burdens. Well maybe father, but that’s another story. I never looked at you or Elain as a burden. You are my sisters and I loved you. I made mother a promise to always look out for you, to be the one you could count on.”

“And then you left!” I yelled back at her, “that monster came calling and you left. You left us in that tiny little cabin with nothing but father and his broken leg! You never looked back, you came into this world and fell in love with one high lord only to be remade and mated with another. So you’re right Mor, I’ll look as it as Feyre does. I’ll be as selfish as she’s always been.”

I pushed away from the table, “I’ve lost my appetite,” I snarled at them both before leaving the gardens and finding my way back to my room. But with my heightened senses I could hear Mor comforting Feyre as she cried, asking what she had done so wrong to make me hate her.

—-

The morning of our final training session I walked into the training room to find Cassian wearing his flying leathers. He looked at me and then smiled. It wasn't that cocky smile he always wore. No it was a real smile, one that pulled at my heart. Because even after everything he had been through, all the pain and suffering he had caused and endured, he still found a reason to smile. 

And he was letting me see it.

“Are we not training today?” I asked confused as he pulled on a pair of brown gloves.

He shook his head, “no, I thought we would do something else,” I raised an eyebrow at him, “I’m taking you flying.”

My eyes went wide, “what? No. I don’t want to fly, let alone with you. Have you used your wings since they healed? What if you drop me or what if we can stay up? What if I’m too heavy, I just. No this is a bad idea Cassian.”

Cassian laughed as he took a step closer to me, “breathe, love,” his voice was as smooth as silk and I could barely keep my breath from catching, “I won’t drop you and I am all cleared to fly. I think this will be a better suited final lesson than punching each other.”

I felt the smile tugging at the corner of my lips, “I don’t know. I kind of enjoy punching you in the face.”

Cassian’s head fell back and he started laughing. It was real and it was deep. It was loud and echoed off the walls. Something about his laugh, the way it started in his chest and fell out of his mouth so easily startled me. Again he had been through so much, he had been so broken and here he was laughing as if it was the easiest thing in the whole gods damn world.

“Are you ready?” he asked grabbing my hand. 

My heart was pounding in my chest as he pulled me out of the training room. We walked up the last flight of stairs to the roof and I knew I had no say in this. I didn’t want a say either, since today would be my final day of life as a fae, or of life at all. I took in a deep breath, feeling the clean mountain air hit my lungs. I turned to face Cassian.

“Yeah,” I finally said, answering more than that simple question, “I’m ready.”

HIs arms wrapped around me tightly, securing me to his chest. I was facing him, watching as his big wings spread out behind him. He smiled as his eyes caught mine, my nose brushing against his chest. Before I could take a breath, or comment on his cocky grin, he stepped off the roof and we were suspended in the air.

I gasped, feeling the wind rush around me. The wind ripped through my hair as my cheeks grew red with the cold. My mouth fell open as I looked at the clouds around us, Cassian’s arms tight around my waist, holding me in place against him. It felt like we were soaring, he moved quickly against the sky.

Flying was freedom, I realized. It was a rush that sent terror and excitement through me, all the way down to my toes. As he flew me around the clouds, through them, their white fluff tickling my hands, I realized just why he had been so broken while his wings were healing. Because the sky was his playground, the sky was as healing as any medicine the healer’s had given him. He was happy up here, I could see it in his eyes. This was where he truly belonged. It was so rare that a person found their place, human or not.

I felt that pull on my heart, wishing I could find my true place as Cassian had.

“Stop staring sweetheart,” his voice was soft as he kept his eyes straight in front of me, “I know I’m handsome, but damn. It’s getting creepy.”

I would’ve given him a smart remark, if I hadn’t been so transfixed by the wildness in his eyes, “you’re just so happy,” I said quietly, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy, even after you beat me in every sparring match.”

He laughed again, this time I felt it rumbled inside his chest, “trust me. That makes me just as happy.”

We were quiet for a few minutes, I let the wind sing to me. I let the world fall away as we flew to wherever it was he was taking us. I closed my eyes, wishing this was the life I could live. I wished I could find a way to accept myself, to believe I wouldn’t become a monster with these people. If I could feel like this, as free as I was up here in the clouds with Cassian, maybe I could break the deal with Rhysand. Maybe I could actually live forever.

But I knew once my feet touched the ground I would lose this. I would lose the girl who found her happiness among the clouds.

“Where are we going?” I finally asked quietly.

“Somewhere I know you’ll love,” he answered as I saw green come into view. Cassian slowed his flight and then we were standing on the side of a cliff. There were dozens of flowers, colors melting into each other. It smelled like pine and snow, like a home away from home. The flowers, some taller than me, were beautiful. It was a scene Feyre would’ve loved to paint.

“It’s beautiful,” I said as I ran my fingers along a pink rose. 

Cassian laughed, “that’s not the best part,” he grabbed my hand and spun me around. 

My eyes went wide, the air left my lungs. I was standing on the cliff I saw outside my bedroom window. The highest cliff, Rhys had told me, that stood over all of Velaris. From way up here it was beautiful. If the stars were out I knew I would’ve fallen in love with the city right there and then. Even in the sunlight it was breath taking.

“I knew you’d like it,” he whispered into my ear before sitting us down in the high grass, “see isn’t this better than sparring?”

I shrugged, “I suppose. But I have a feeling you’re going to start talking soon. I don’t do talking.”

Cassian shook his head, “nope. I won’t talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. But I will tell you anything you want to know. Because contrary to what you said the other day, I consider you my friend, Nesta.”

I blushed as he stared at me, those hazel eyes burning into my skin. I looked at this Illyrian, not sure why he would think of me as a friend. I was nothing but rude and horrible to him all month as he trained me. As he trained me knowing I would never use a single skill he taught me. Because I was just counting down the days until I could leave this place.

I broke his stare, my eyes going down to the skin sticking out of his shirt, “what do your tattoos mean?”

The question was quiet, I wasn’t even sure why I asked it. I didn’t care about Cassian, at least I kept telling myself I didn’t. But my heart felt different, my soul stirred as he stared at me. That tread was hot, it pulsed inside my chest as he waited a moment to answer me.

“They’re good luck charms,” he whispered, “tattooed onto our young bodies after we graduate from the war camps. They are blessings from the gods, protecting us on the battlefields.”

I felt a desire to reach out and touch the black ink that swirled around his shoulder. I took in a deep breath, “have you ever been unlucky on the battlefield? I mean, has there ever been a close call?”

“Once. It was one of my very first battles after Rhys took over this city. I was still young, still getting my ground as a commander. Some of my men didn’t believe a bastard born should be their leader. They fought me on every single call I made. Somehow I made it to the front of the fighting, I had been so hell bent on proving myself, that I missed the enemy coming right at me. Before I knew it there was a sword sticking out of my gut.”

My eyes went wide, my eyes going towards his stomach. He pulled his tunic up slowly. His hard stomach was something I had only ever seen on statues. But it was real and my mouth watered at the sight of it. Before I saw all the scars littering his beautiful skin. Scars from battles won, and battles lost. I swallowed a cry as I noticed the biggest scar that ran across the bottom of his stomach.

“I thought I was going to die. Until Azriel found me. Somehow I survived long enough for the healers to find us too. But I never forgot that day, when I almost died. Because coming so close to death, whether at your own hand or someone else’s, is the scariest moment in anyone’s life, Nesta. Even an immortal like you and me.”

He let his tunic fall back down and I realized what he was saying. He let out a slow breath, my eyes finding his again, “I’m not afraid to die,” I said slowly, “I died in that cauldron. I felt it.”

Cassian shook his head, “that was different. You were remade, you were reborn. What you expect of Rhys tomorrow. It will be final. You won’t ever come back Nesta. I can’t live with myself knowing I didn’t try to talk you out of it.”

I could see him fighting himself, as if he wanted to reach out and touch me again. He hadn’t tried to touch me since that day when we were training and he asked me why I was being selfish. When he told me my sister was broken, begging her mate to find a way to lie to me. As far as I knew mates didn’t fight. But I knew Feyre and Rhysand were hurting.

I was making them fight.

I felt that guilt hit me as I looked back at Cassian, wishing he would reach out and run his fingers along my arm. Wishing he would do something, make me feel something other than this hatred I held for myself. I wanted him to put out the fire inside my soul, to pull me into himself and refuse to let me go until I changed my mind. For the first time I wanted to let myself need someone else.

I wanted him to be the one to change my mind.

But I had always been stubborn. I wouldn’t back down now, no matter how scared I was. I sat up straighter, pulling at the grass, “I’ve made up my mind Cassian. Nothing you say or do,” my voice broke. Because I knew I was lying. There was so much he could do to change my mind, “will talk me out of tomorrow.”

Cassian looked out at the horizon as he sighed, “at least I can say I tried.”

He sounded so defeated, like it was his life he would be losing tomorrow. I couldn’t help but feel my soul spark, to feel something like defeat and desperation shoot through me. Cassian kept staring out at the sky, he wouldn’t look at me. He didn’t try to speak to me again. We sat there in silence for what felt like hours, both of us caught up in our own thoughts.

When it was finally time to return home, Cassian didn’t smile, he didn’t laugh as he held onto me. Instead his held me tightly against his chest. He didn’t say a word, but I could’ve sworn I heard him begging me to hold on. Begging me to stay with him just a little bit longer.

—-

The sky was gray the next morning. My heart was pounding as I walked down the hallway. I hadn’t eaten breakfast, afraid I would puke it back up as I walked out into the courtyard where Rhysand was waiting for me. I had barely slept last night, tossing and turning, thinking about everything Cassian had said. But what haunted me even more was all the things he hadn’t said. All the stories he kept to himself, all the pain I felt while he stayed silent.

It was like I could feel it all too.

I let out a slow breath, the courtyard was empty. I asked Rhys to keep the audience away. If this ended the way everyone thought it would I didn’t want Feyre there. I didn’t want Cassian watching me die. I didn’t want anyone to watch him kill me. Not when this was my choice. Not when I knew the stain of my blood would be on his hands longer than any of the others.

“Nesta,” Rhysand’s voice was low, “are you sure this is what you want? Are you positive you want me to try and remake you? I’ve never done this before.”

I nodded my head, feeling all the emotions I had always kept bottle up so tightly in my chest surface, “yes. This is what I want Rhysand.”

“Then so be it,” he whispered. 

I could feel Feyre watching from the window. I knew Rhysand did too. He felt her, their mating bond was stronger than the others. At least I thought it was. I didn’t know if high lords were special, if they were more in tune with their animal side. Which was apparently where the bond started. Still Rhysand always knew Feyre better than anyone else.

He knew her better than she knew herself.

I took in a deep breath, “please don’t make it hurt,” I whispered softly, remembering that boiling water as it burned my skin, “if you realize it’s going wrong, just end it. Just please, don’t make me suffer. Don’t be like him.”

Rhysand nodded, he knew what I was asking. He had the power to turn off my mind, to make me feel nothing before the final blow came. I knew he would be kind, he had always been kind. Rhysand was not the monster everyone wanted to believe he was. He was the dreamer, the high lord of one of the best cities in this entire world.

I swallowed my fears and then stood up straighter. Rhysand put his hand against my shoulder and I saw him trying to figure this out. I knew he had powers he had access to but was too afraid to use. I knew he would try to unmake me, he would do whatever he had to do to make me believe he tried. But in the end, I knew these were the final moments I would ever breathe in this air.

My mind went blank as Rhysand looked at me. He was pushing something towards me, he was trying to take something away. The edges of his darkness were curling, his forehead covered in sweat as he concentrated on me and nothing else. I felt my magic well up, as if he was trying to pull it out of my soul. The magic was mixed with my fire, my body was fighting to hold onto both.

For a moment my memories flashed. Baby Nesta with our mother, I thought I had forgotten her face long again. Then there was baby Elain, placed in my arms after she was born. Once again there was a baby, Feyre, and I was happy to be a big sister. I saw our lives in that big house, the things our father bought for us. I watched it all disappear again, the cabin cold and dark inside my mind. My entire life played as I got ready to go back to it. 

As I prepared myself to never go back again.

I closed my eyes as his skin burned me. My mouth fell open, my eyes burned with tears as the pain hit me. My nose scrunched up, my forehead wrinkled. I fought off the pain as hard as I could as I felt my blood start to sing. I could feel myself slipping. That thread in my chest pulled, keeping me standing. It pulled hard and tried to keep me grounded here. It was pulsing, burning brightly. I could see it, I could see the thread.

I gasped as I felt my soul burning, fighting Rhysand off. He swore as I zapped him, his hand pulling away as I heard Cassian. My eyes snapped open just in time to see Cassian push Rhysand away from me. He pushed his high lord onto the ground. My knees collapsed, before I hit the ground Cassian caught me in his big arms. His hazel eyes hit mine and I knew in that moment. I felt it slip into place, the stirring in my heart, the pulling in my soul. 

He had been the one holding me into place as Rhysand tried to change me.

“You knew,” I whispered as he fell to the ground with me, his arms still holding me close to his chest, “you knew this whole time.”

He nodded, tears in his eyes, “I didn’t want to force you to choose, Nesta. I wanted you to choose on your own. But I just, I can’t let him take you away from me,” he whispered softly a tear slipping down his cheek, “I know you don’t think it’s true but we all need you. I need you.”

His voice broke as I felt our bond hot and bright inside my chest. I looked up at him, my body still strange and my soul still burning. I was still fae, I wasn’t human. But there wasn’t hatred in my heart. I felt comfortable, I felt safe here in this warrior’s arms.

“Cassian,” I said his name quietly, afraid I would break him, “I wish you would’ve told me.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes filling with more tears as I clung to him instead of pushed him away, “I wish I would’ve too. If I thought it would’ve been a deal breaker I would’ve told you the moment I felt it happen. But I just, I was afraid you would push me away. Fighting with you was better than not having you at all.”

His hand came to cup my cheek as Rhysand watched us silently from the ground, “I’m sorry.”

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. I felt that pulse, the tug, the pull, everything I had been feeling for the last month fall into place. Cassian was the reason I had been holding on. Cassian had been everything I never knew I would need to finally feel as if I belonged.

His lips moved with mine slowly, he was gentle, afraid he would break whatever spell I was currently under. My body craved more. My entire body craved his and I didn’t want to move from this position we were in. He slowly pulled back at me and I looked into those beautiful eyes with my brand new ones. The eyes that were grateful for yet another chance to live in this world.

“I love you,” I whispered softly, surprising myself, “and I think that scares me more than anything else.”

He smiled, that smile he gave me before we went flying yesterday, “anything you want, anything at all. I am yours, Nesta. Your heart, your soul. I can’t imagine living without you now that I’ve finally found you.”

I couldn’t help but smile at him. I ran my finger along his bottom lip as Rhysand cleared his throat. He brushed the dirt off of his shoulder as he stood up, “I’ll forgive you for rudely assaulting your high lord Cassian, since it was your mate you were trying to save."

Cassian rolled his eyes, “gee thanks Rhys. I told you not to touch her. I told you it wouldn’t end well.”

Cassian wiped a tear off my cheek as he helped me stand up. He kept his hand in mine, his arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me close. He pressed a kiss against my temple as Rhysand smiled at the two of us.

“I know you don’t believe us,” Rhysand said quietly as everyone else came out into the court yard. Feyre was smiling, Elain and Lucien were here. Even Mor and Azriel were watching, “but we consider you our family. We might not have accepted your choice to end all of this, but we accept you. Scars and all.”

I couldn’t help but smile, emotions flooding through me. Cassian kept me close as I looked at my newfound family, actually relieved that Rhysand’s plan hadn’t worked. The bond pulsed, Cassian agreeing with my decision to stay with him. I smiled at my mate. 

My mate. Cassian was my mate. He was happy, smiling as he held onto me even as my sister’s took turns hugging me tightly.

“I’m glad you’re staying,” Feyre whispered before squeezing my shoulder.

“Me too,” I agreed as Elain hugged me and apologized for being distant the last month. I told her it was fine and that everything was forgiven. 

Cassian didn’t let me go at all. He pulled me into the house after everyone had their time with me. He pushed me against the counter, his lips hot against my skin. Now that the danger was over and we were finally alone, I felt everything he was feeling. I felt his desire, his need all wrapped into one. It hit me as hard as my own desires did.

“Cassian,” I whispered closing my eyes as he ran his lips across my collar bone. God I could die happy if he kept doing that.

He pulled away, earning a disappointed sigh from me, “there’s a tradition,” he whispered trying to reign himself in. He was using all his control, five hundred years worth of control, as he looked at me, “if the female accepts the bond, she offers the male food.”

I swallowed slowly, “do you. Do you want me to cook?”

He smiled, his eyes falling down my body and then finding their way back up, “only if you want to. I was honest in the court yard, I never wanted to force you into this. I didn’t want you to stay with me if you didn’t want to. I want you happy, Nesta. I love you, but I will let you go, if that’s what you want. You are your own person, you always have been.”

I smiled as I pressed my body against his. I could feel him, I could feel everything. His scent wrapped around me, it filled my lungs and cleared my head. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nodded my head slowly, “I want this Cassian. I want you. I accept this, you, everything.”

He smiled as he kissed me, “screw tradition,” he whispered against my skin, “I just want you.”

He picked me up and carried me back to his bedroom. I giggled as he held me bridal style, never breaking our kiss. My hands found their place against his chest and as he laid me down I realized I never wanted to be human again. I never wanted to die. No I just wanted to find a home, a place where I could rest my head and feel safe.

I wanted what my sister’s had found, but I had been too afraid to ask for it. 

Somehow Cassian had known. He knew all along what I wanted and waited until the right moment to bring it to attention. He pulled on our bond and kept me here in this world with him. He had saved me from myself. I hadn’t even realized I needed him until today.

I smiled as he kissed me, pressing me into his mattress and claiming me as his. I belonged to him, body and soul. I let myself give into everything the bond had to offer. I knew there was no going back from this now, I knew this was the beginning and ending of myself. Like Cassian had said, he was my heart, my soul. He was mine and everyone else would know it after today.

I loved him and for the first time that didn’t scare me. For the first time I found myself in someone else and I was happy to let him hold my hand. I was happy to spend my life beside my mate, my partner and equal in every way.

Cassian. The only man who ever tried to embrace my fire, instead of taming it. He was mine and I was his. I knew no matter what happened, no matter what hell we would face together, I would always choose him. 


End file.
